


MURD3R she retconned

by Major_Vaska



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Creepy Clowns, Multi, Murderstuck Happened Differently, No More Dead Nepetas, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Retcon Powers, Retcon Timeline but Better, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21721996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Major_Vaska/pseuds/Major_Vaska
Summary: Instead of having John knock out Vriska, Terezi instead instructs him to stop Gamzee before he can go on his rampage, thus preventing the deaths of Equius, Nepeta, and Vriska.
Relationships: Gamzee Makara/Karkat Vantas, Nepeta Leijon/Equius Zahhak, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Terezi Pyrope/Dave Strider, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

John allowed his nifty magical powers to take them where they will, only passively guided them with an intense focus on a single word: MURD3R. He felt himself be dragged along, like a breeze through a field of wheat, but also energetically bounced like the coursing of electricity through firing synapses. There was something very Tao about the whole thing.

His instructions were simple. STOP H1M. Exactly who became apparent as John zapped himself deep into the hallway-caverns of the troll's meteor. Terezi was hunched down, glasses off, delivering a delicate kiss to the fallen Tavros, the whole of her compassion and friendship on display in a beautiful but tragic attempt to revive the dead page, a futile effort that will only sow further heartbreak. And next to her, similarly hunched over, was a rank-ass clown.

Gamzee had one hand on Terezi's glasses and his face looking up at John with a mixture of awe, confusion, and dumbassery. John takes advantage of his situation and kicks the clown square in the chin, sending him toppling over the edge of the weird meteor platform and into the abyss, a defeated "HOOOOONK" echoing through the chamber. Terezi sits straight up, sniffing the air.

TEREZI: JOHN??  
JOHN: don't worry terezi, i can explain it all.  
JOHN: okay so first off, we all died.  
TEREZI: TH4TS 4 T3RR1BL3 PL4C3 TO ST4RT  
JOHN: no it's the best place to start!  
JOHN: anyway, since we all died horribly, you sent me back in time to fix it.  
JOHN: by fucking gamzee.  
TEREZI: UH  
JOHN: wait i meant fucking gamzee up.  
JOHN: you sent me back in time to beat up gamzee.  
TEREZI: JOHN 1 F1ND TH4T V3RY H4RD TO B3L13V3  
TEREZI: WHY WOULD 1 3V3R W1SH 1LL ON SW33T, 1NNOC3NT G4MZ33  
JOHN: because he's a murderer!  
JOHN: and he killed horse guy and cat girl and i'm pretty sure you dated him for a while but then you tried to kill him but he beat you up.  
JOHN: and then he got killed by kanaya so you got real sad but you still tried to kill aranea so aranea made you stab yourself.  
JOHN: and then you found me in the desert and gave me a list of instructions!  
TEREZI: OK4Y SO 1M JUST GO1NG TO 4SSUM3 1M N3V3R GO1NG TO UND3RST4ND WH4T JUST H4PP3N3D  
JOHN: UGH  
JOHN: gamzee's evil.  
TEREZI: G4MZ33S 3V1L??  
JOHN: gamzee's evil.

John zapped himself out of the chamber, leaving Terezi alone with a corpse and a thousand unspoken questions.

CG: YES DIDN'T I MENTION? FEFERI, KANAYA AND TAVROS ARE DEAD, SOLLUX IS UNCONSCIOUS, AND TEREZI IS MISSING.  
CG: OH GOD, I HOPE SHE'S OK, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO LOOK FOR HER  
CT: D --> Oh shoot  
CT: D --> E%cuse my vulgarity  
CG: I'LL LET IT SLIDE.  
CG: JUST DO WHAT I SAY, OK.  
CT: D --> I will 100k into it  
CG: HOLD ON, SOMETHING CAME UP.

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist\--

GC: 1 TH1NK SH1T H1T TH3 WH1RL1NG A1R PUSH3R  
CG: YOU DON'T SAY?  
CG: WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF? DID COTTON-CANDY FLAVORED BLOOD START SEEPING UNDER YOUR DOOR?  
GC: COTTON C4NDY??  
GC: D1D SOM3TH1NG H4PP3N TO F3F3R1??  
CG: OH NOTHING MAJOR.  
CG: SHE JUST FUCKING DIED!  
GC: T4VROS 1S D34D TOO  
GC: 4T F1RST 1 THOUGHT 1T W4S VR1SK4 BUT NOW 1 H4V3 MY DOUBTS  
CG: HONESTLY? IT WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME.  
CG: EVERYONE IS LOSING THEIR SHIT AND IF THEY AREN'T DEAD OR KILLING ANYONE THEY'RE COMPLETELY OFF THE GRID.  
GC: W3LL JOHN JUST K1CK3D G4MZ33 1NTO TH3 ABYSS  
CG: JOHN IS HERE? HOW?  
GC: HOW TH3 H3LL SHOULD 1 KNOW?  
GC: 4LL 1 KNOW 1S H3 SHOW3D UP, L4UNCH3D A JUGG4LO 1NTO TH3 D33P3ST R3C3SS3S OF TH3 M3T3OR, 4ND D1S4PP34R3D  
GC: 1 C4N ST1LL H34R F41NT HONK1NG  
CG: WELL LET ME KNOW IF HE SOUNDS LIKE HE'S GETTING CLOSER.  
CG: I NEED TO AMEND SOME ORDERS.  
GC: M33T M3 ON TH3 ROOF  
GC: 1 F33L L1K3 TH1S W1LL 4LL CULM1N4T3 TH3R3  
CG: WAIT ONE SECOND.  
GC: WH4T NOW??  
CG: I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU'RE SAFE.  
GC: 4WW  
GC: YOU TOO

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC]  ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist\--

\--carcinoGeneticist began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]\--

CG: YOU'RE IN LUCK, MUSCLEHEAD.  
CG: GAMZEE IS NOW OLD NEWS.  
CG: NO NEED TO STRANGLE YOUR IDOL OF FETISHISTIC ADORATION!  
CT: D--> I take it the highb100d has been pacified, then?  
CG: NO, HE GOT PUNTED INTO THE DARKEST DEPTHS OF THE METEOR.  
CG: BUT FOR THE TIME BEING, HE'S A NON-ISSUE.  
CG: PRIORITY NUMBER ONE IS NOW ERIDAN.  
CT: D--> Drat.  
CT: D--> I would much prefer not seeking the seadweller.  
CG: WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.  
CG: IT WAS THE CLOWN OR THE CLOWNFISH, AND OUR SITUATION JUST GOT NAUTICALLY THEMED.  
CT: D--> In that case, I will be at 100%.  
CT: D--> I will find Ampora and give him a STRONG reprimand.  
CG: GOOD. WHEN YOU'RE DONE, WE'RE CONVENING ON THE ROOF.  
CT: D--> I understand. I will be there once the seadweller has been adequately dealt with.

\--carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT]\--

It was time for the last password: SHOWDOWN. John arrived some time in the future, but not very far. Vriska saw a flash of light in the corner of her eye, to her right. Eridan caught a brief glimpse of another flash, this one to his left. Honks rose from the depths, filling the air with a palpable sense of dread.

VRISKA: John????????  
ERIDAN: kan?  
EQUIUS: D--> Zahhak.  
ERIDAN: wwhat are you doin here  
ERIDAN: i killed you  
KANAYA: Yes It Would Seem Your Attempts At Murder Were In Vain  
KANAYA: At Least In My Case  
VRISKA: And what a8out you, John?  
VRISKA: You aren't even supposed to 8e in this universe!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: oh it's a long story actually!  
JOHN: hang on let me check my instructions.  
JOHN: so it says here that I'm supposed to "slow down vriska but let eridan die".  
JOHN: which one of you is eridan?  
ERIDAN: wwait wwhat  
ERIDAN: no you gotta be misreadin  
ERIDAN: let me see that  
JOHN: what? no. these are my personal, super secret instructions!  
VRISKA: They aren't very secret if you read them out loud!  
VRISKA: 8esides, why would I need slowing down?  
KANAYA: I Believe I Can Take Of Those Orders Myself  
EQUIUS: D--> I was sent to deal with the seadweller.  
EQUIUS: D--> There is no need for the interference of an inferior species.  
JOHN: oh. well.  
JOHN: i guess i'll just let you two do your thing and stick around to make sure it all goes smoothly?  
JOHN: honestly i didn't think it would be this easy.  
ERIDAN: wwait guys  
ERIDAN: sloww dowwn  
ERIDAN: cant wwe just talk this out like pals

The sounds of chainsaws echoeD throughout the caves system in the heart of the meteor. Violet blood stains the floor. Vriska receives a glow-in-the-dark beating. Rhythmic honking marks the passing of seconds. The deed is done. Equius grabs a badly bruised Vriska by the collar, lifting her into the air.

VRISKA: Hey!!!!!!!! Don't hold me like th8t!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: I'm not 8n inf8nt meowcritter!!!!!!!!  
EQUIUS: D--> You will be coming with us to the rendezvous on the rooftop.  
EQUIUS: D--> I command you to be on e%cellent behavior.  
KANAYA: I Believe Your Work Here Is Done John  
JOHN: yeah it certainly seems that way!  
JOHN: it was nice seeing you, i guess?  
JOHN: don't let the clown get too rambunctious while i'm away!

And John disappears in a flash of light. The surviving trolls make their way to the rooftop of the meteor lab, the honking slowly subsiding into silence. They have lost much today. Friends and enemies. A void had taken up residence in their hearts, slowly expanding as they processed the extent of their loss.

Karkat, Nepeta, Sollux, and Terezi had already arrived on the roof as the stragglers filtered in. Vriska was tossed roughly on the hard metal floor.

TEREZI: 1 H4V3 TO KNOW  
TEREZI: D1D YOU K1LL H1M  
VRISKA: Tavros? I didn't not kill him.  
KARKAT: JEGUS FUCK CAN YOU GO TWO SECONDS WITHOUT SEPARATING ONE OF OUR FRIENDS FROM A PART OF THEIR ANATOMY?  
KARKAT: MAYBE I SHOULD'VE HAD EQUIUS PUMMEL YOU INTO THE GROUND INSTEAD OF ERIDAN.  
KANAYA: Actually It Was I Who Did The Majority Of Eridan Pummeling  
EQUIUS: D--> Yes, although it shames me to say it, my contribution to the acts of violence were so minor that they could be fairly over100ked.  
EQUIUS: D--> I am an unfit subordinate.  
KARKAT: NO. I'M GOING TO STOP THAT RIGHT HERE. I AM NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH AUTO-EROTIC EMOTIONAL FLAGELLATION WHILE THERE'S A SUBJUGGLATOR ON THE LOOSE.  
NEPETA: :33 < what he's trying to say is that your contribution is appreciated anyway!  
KARKAT: THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY AT ALL.  
TEREZI: 1 H4T3 TO BR34K UP OUR 3MOT1ON4L R3UN1ON  
TEREZI: BUT 1 SM3LL W33D 4ND UNW4SH3D H41R  


They all stop and watch as the door slowly creaks open to reveal a looming, red-eyed silhouette at the top of the staircase.

GAMZEE: well, well, well.  
GAMZEE: LOOKS LIKE Y'ALL UP AND STARTED THE PARTY WITHOUT ME.  
GAMZEE: don't worry about it though, it's all good.  
GAMZEE: THE MOTHERFUCKIN ENTERTAINMENT FINALLY ARRIVED.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry in advance, this one has a lot of content lifted directly from the comic. We're about to see characters in much smaller groups with much more radical timeline divergences, so you'll be seeing more original content next chapter! And more Nepeta!

Claws were drawn. Chainsaws were revved. Bows were broken. The clown emerged from his cavern of fear, known to most as the "main stairwell". The tentative climax of Act 5 Act 2 was upon us.

GAMZEE: not gonna lie, my bros.  
GAMZEE: I EXPECTED THIS HERD TO BE A LITTLE BIT THINNER.  
GAMZEE: its not a problem, though.  
GAMZEE: MORE FODDER FOR THE MOTHERFUCKIN SUBJUG MACHINE.  
KARKAT: NO.  
GAMZEE: what was that, my good bitch?  
KARKAT: NO MORE KILLING.  
KARKAT: IT'S BARELY EVEN BEEN AN HOUR SINCE THIS SHIT STARTED AND ALMOST HALF OF US ARE IN MULTIPLE PIECES.  
KARKAT: I'M TIRED OF IT!  
KARKAT: WE'RE ALL GOING TO SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND SING FUCKING KUMBAYA AND NO ONE IS GOING TO DISMEMBER ANYONE ELSE.  
SOLLUX: kk i d0n't think that's g0ing t0 w0rk.  
KARKAT: SHUT UP IT'S A GREAT PLAN THAT EVERYONE SHOULD FOLLOW IMMEDIATELY.  
GAMZEE: AND WHAT IF I DON'T LIKE THE PLAN?  
GAMZEE: did that even cross your fear-addled thinkpan?  
GAMZEE: THAT MAYBE I'M STILL FEELING A NEED TO GET MY SUBJUGGLATION ON?  
KARKAT: IF YOU WANT TO HURT ANYONE HERE.

Karkat draws his sickles and spreads his arms wide, protectively, the other trolls gathered behind him.

KARKAT: YOU'LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST.  
SOLLUX: kk that's still an incredibly stupid plan.  
SOLLUX: he's 0bvi0usly g0ing to kill y0u first.  
SOLLUX: y0u have the muscle definition 0f an emaciated eucalyptus marsupial.  
GAMZEE: it'll be my motherfuckin pleasure.

What followed cannot be adequately conveyed through the written word. No, I dare say it's beauty surpasses anything our language has the capacity to envelop. It goes down in history as the great pappening, little more than a bedtime story, but I ensure you, it was all too real. Honks echoed into the night as an ornery troll boy gently caressed the face of a deliriously sicknasty clown, the delicate bud of moiraillegiance blossoming into a vibrant rose. No greater love story has ever been penned.

When all was said and done, the pair shared a tender embrace. A single tear ran down Equius's cheek. Nepeta raised a fist in victory.

NEPETA: :33 < the ship has sailed!!!  
SOLLUX: well i'll be fucked with a r0tating batter stirring device, it w0rked.  
KARKAT: NO SHIT IT WORKED. I AM A SCHOLAR OF THE ROMANTIC ARTS. I COULD PACIFY ANY HIGHBLOOD FROM HERE TO ALTERNIA.  
EQUIUS: D--> Never have I seen such an %hilirating display of conciliatory passion. Vantas, I must applaud your amorous prowess, and your b100ming relationship.  
KARKAT: YES, YES, I KNOW I'M AMAZING. YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE A HUGE DEAL OVER MY INEVITABLE SUCCESS.  
GAMZEE: honk.  
TEREZI: 1M STUCK ON TH1S ROCK W1TH 4 TR1B3 OF ROM4NT1C 1D1OTS  
NEPETA: :33 < it doesnt seem like youll be stuck with us long! look!

Nepeta pointed to the right-hand side of the meteor. Sollux looked to his left, and Terezi downwards, but everyone else got it right. A green speck, resembling a star as seen from Alternia, was in the sky. The Green Sun.

KARKAT: SOLLUX, DO YOU THINK YOU'RE UP TO GETTING US OVER THERE.  
SOLLUX: well, kanaya just had t0 turn me ar0und s0 i was facing the right directi0n, but yeah, i think i'm up t0 it.  
TEREZI: W41T 1M LOOK1NG THE R1GHT W4Y R1GHT??  
KANAYA: No  
KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT WE'VE REACHED BLIND CRITICAL MASS.  
KARKAT: WE'RE RAPIDLY RUNNING OUT OF PEOPLE TO POINT OTHER PEOPLE IN THE CORRECT DIRECTION.  
KARKAT: WE CAN'T KEEP THIS UP GUYS, WE ONLY HAVE ONE SEEING EYE KANAYA TO GO AROUND!  
KANAYA: Im Not Sure I Appreciate The Sentiment That I Am Responsible For The Functioning Of Our Blind Friends

SOLLUX: yeah i can functi0n just fine by myself.  
KANAYA: Except When The Function Required Is To Find A Very Bright Object  
SOLLUX: well n0 shit i'm blind.  
VRISKA: Don't worry so much!  
VRISKA: I got this.  
SOLLUX: n0.  
VRISKA: Relaaaaaaaax! It'll all 8e over soon.

Sollux feels a shifting in his skull as his own thoughts are pushed aside to make room for Vriska's command. It's as if a thousand tiny spiders are crawling around in the cavity of his head. The whole meteor is enveloped in yellow light, pushed forward at supersonic speeds. Yellow fluids spray from his every orifice, and I do mean every orifice. Gradually, they come to a stop.

VRISKA: See? Nothing 8ad happened.  
KARKAT: SOLLUX?  
KARKAT: SOLLUX CAN YOU HEAR ME?  
KANAYA: I Believe Youve Killed Sollux  
VRISKA: FUUUUUUUUCK!  
KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT!  
KARKAT: WE JUST STOPPED MURDERING EACH OTHER, BUT YOU DECIDED YOU WANTED TO GET RIGHT BACK INTO IT, HUH?  
VRISKA: It was an accident! It happens to the 8est of us!  
KARKAT: THE BEST OF US DON'T KILL EVERYTHING WE TOUCH!  
NEPETA: :33 > uh guys?  
KARKAT: NOT NOW NEPETA I'M IN A FIT OF MOURNFUL RAGE.  
NEPETA: :33 > oh no god furbid ac notices something important  
KARKAT: WHAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAT THE VIOLENTLY INVASIVE MURDER OF OUR DEAR FRIEND?  
SOLLUX: yeah what c0uld be m0re imp0rtant than that.  
KARKAT: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK.  
ARADIA: im here too!

Aradia and Sollux hover about 20 feet above their friends, silhouetted by the light of the Green Sun. Two human figures float behind them.

ARADIA: look sollux!  
ARADIA: they brought your body!  
SOLLUX: yeah i expected them t0.  
SOLLUX: i kind 0f died right there.  
SOLLUX: can s0me0ne get rid 0f that thing? it's nasty.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU OKAY MAN? YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.  
SOLLUX: 0h yeah i just had my aut0n0my vi0lated and then died a h0rrible, painful death.  
SOLLUX: i'm sure neither 0f th0se things will have lasting psych0l0gical c0nsequences.  
ARADIA: oh!!!  
ARADIA: sollux lets do it!  
SOLLUX: what.  
ARADIA: the corpse party!  
ARADIA: theres no better time and there are so many corpses here to work with  
ARADIA: is everybody ok with that? do you want to have a big corpse party?  
ARADIA: we can incinerate the remains in the sun it will be just glorious  
ROSE: Corpse party?  
ARADIA: rose!  
ARADIA: can you please explain to my friends what a human funeral is like?  
ROSE: Of course.  
ROSE: I would describe it as an occasion marked by a great deal of jubilation at the expense of one or more well dressed cadavers.  
DAVE: hahaha oh god  
ARADIA: i couldnt have put it better myself  
ARADIA: could you go into more detail?  
ROSE: Well, in my experience, a loved one, typically an elder, arranges to have the departed placed in a small box, and then forces you to stand in the rain all day.  
ROSE: Then, presumably winded by all the deeply ironic catharsis, she gets drunk and passes out on the couch.  
DAVE: oh my god we are never going to stop fucking with each other are we  
DAVE: even without computers  
ARADIA: hmmm that sounds just a tad specific  
ARADIA: we may have to adapt the proceedings to be a little more  
ARADIA: i dunno  
ARADIA: multicultural i guess?  
SOLLUX: err...  
ARADIA: why dont you all do some brainstorming about what kind of funeral to have while i go round up the bodies!  
SOLLUX: aradia, FUCK.  
SOLLUX: will y0u co0l it on the c0rpse party shit for a minute?  
ARADIA: whats the matter?  
SOLLUX: i mean, everyb0dy here has just met, and i guess just went through a l0t of really heavy bullshit, d0 you think that maybe this isn't the best thing t0 harp on right n0w?  
ARADIA: um  
ARADIA: i just thought it would be a nice thing to bond over  
SOLLUX: not everyb0dy is as into death as y0u though. like, it's c0ol t0 see you s0 excited about s0mething, i'm seriously thrilled ab0ut that.  
SOLLUX: but frankly it's all pretty fucking morbid t0 everybody, i just th0ught you sh0uld know.  
ARADIA: am i really that bad?  
TEREZI: Y3S >:|  
ARADIA: oh  
ARADIA: sorry  
ARADIA: i guess ive spent enough time here that i just dont see death as the terrible thing the living make it out to be  
ARADIA: i honestly feel like its a reason to celebrate!  
TEREZI: TH4TS OK 4R4D14, NO ON3S BL4M1NG YOU  
TEREZI: 1 4CTU4LLY TH1NK YOUR WHOL3 D34TH F4NG1RL TH1NG 1S FUNNY 4ND K1ND OF CH4RM1NG >:]  
ARADIA: death fan girl thing?  
ARADIA: what do you mean  
TEREZI: OH COM3 ON  
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 PR4CT1C4LLY B3S1D3 YOURS3LF W1TH G1DD1N3SS 4T TH3 1D34 OF S3RV1NG 4S TH3 M41TR3 D TO 4LL DR34M BUBBL3S  
TEREZI: YOU LOV3 B31NG TH3 C4R3T4K3R OF W4YW4RD SOULS 4ND DR34M3RS!  
TEREZI: LUCK1LY YOU M4K3 4N 4DOR4BL3 H4NDM41D TO TH3 M4ST3R OF D34TH, 3SP3C14LLY 1N YOUR CUT3 CH3RRY P1X13 3NS3MBL3  
ARADIA: you think so?  
ROSE: I'm going to agree with my fellow seer on this.  
TEREZI: S33???  
TEREZI: 3V3N SNOOTY M1SS C4NT4LOUP3 ROB3 4GR33S!  
TEREZI: OH, 4ND GUYS, JUST FOR TH3 S4K3 OF MULT1CULTUR4L CL4R1TY, W3 TROLLS TR34T D34TH 1TS3LF 4S 4 MYTHOLOG1C4L F1GUR3  
TEREZI: H3 1S 4 M4N W1TH 4 FR1GHT3N1NG SKULL FOR 4 H34D 4ND 4 T3RR1BL3 HYPNOT1C GL4R3  
TEREZI: 4LL TH3 L3G3NDS S4Y H3S GOT TH1S SUP3R FOXY H4NDM41D TO DO H1S D1RTYWORK  
TEREZI: 1 M34N TH1S 1S 4LL F4NT4SY OF COURS3, BUT W3 C4NT R34LLY UND3RST4ND 34CH OTH3RS CULTUR3S UNL3SS W3 UND3RST4ND TH3 MYTHS B3H1ND TH3M!  
DAVE: yo terezi weve got a grim reaper too  
DAVE: shit isnt that novel  
DAVE: i mean i think even a civilization full of the laziest sons of bitches are gonna make up a myth figure for death  
DAVE: like oooh watch OUT death is coming for you hes got like  
DAVE: a SKULL and shit  
DAVE: i basically have no fucking imagination that sounds badass to me  
DAVE: wait wait no how about hes got a BLACK ROBE too  
DAVE: and a fuckin scythe to fuckin slash at you with in case you didnt die all the way or whatever  
DAVE: daaaaaamn now youre talking bro  
DAVE: lets go ahead stick that in our culture forever  
TEREZI: SO WH4T YOU 4R3 T3LL1NG M3 D4V3 1S  
TEREZI: TH4T W3 BOTH H4V3 D34TH *4ND* COTTON C4NDY???  
DAVE: hell yes  
TEREZI: W3 M1GHT 4S W3LL B3 TH3 S4M3 D4MN SP3C13S!!! >:D  
KARKAT: CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, BUT DIDN'T WE JUST HAVE ONE OF THE WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOMES TO SIMPLE VIDEO GAME POSSIBLE?  
KARKAT: IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE RECALLING, ALLOW ME REMIND YOU THAT HALF OUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD, AND ARADIA IS NOW RECOMMENDING WE THROW THEIR REMAINS INTO THE FUCKING SUN WITH GREAT GUSTO.  
DAVE: yeah so can someone explain exactly what the hell happened here  
DAVE: actually nevermind i dont care  
KARKAT: SEE? I'M GLAD SOMEONE IS TAKING THIS HORRIFYING SITUATION SERIOUSLY.  
KARKAT: WHO'S EVEN THE LEADER ANYMORE?  
KARKAT: IS IT STILL ME? IS IT THE RECENTLY RESURRECTED GOD ARADIA? IS ONE OF OUR VARIOUS BLIND AND BLIND ADJACENT ALLIES? WHO FUCKING KNOWS?  
EQUIUS: D--> Seeing as the highb100d has recently had his good judgement impaired, I believe the obvious choice for a STRONG leader is myself.  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
KARKAT: NO.  
NEPETA: :33 < i think equius would be a wonderfur leader!  
KARKAT: NO, NO, I WILL NOT BE GANGED UP ON BY THE RESIDENT ASININE POWER COUPLE.  
ARADIA: karkat i dont think anyone actually cares about that kind of stringent hierarchy anymore  
EQUIUS: D--> Actually  
ARADIA: you dont count as somebody  
EQUIUS: D--> That is an incredibly improper means to address one who you've shared amorous relations with. Is this blatant disrespect perhaps meant... flirtatiously?  
ARADIA: oh no were going to have to have a talk about that arent we?  
KARKAT: DO NOT TALK OUT YOUR FAILINGS AS A ROMANTIC COUPLE IN FRONT OF THE HUMANS, PLEASE.  
DAVE: no hang on this is just getting good  
ARADIA: no i agree with karkat on this  
ARADIA: id really rather not hash this out so publically!  
ARADIA: for the time being, i recommend we listen to rose  
ARADIA: the foresight of a seer of light is a valuable asset

KARKAT: FINE THEN, OH GREAT AND MAGNIFICENT SEER, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?  
ROSE: Well, first and foremost, we should move this meteor that way.

Rose points off into the distance. There is nothing visible.

KARKAT: AND WHAT'S IN THAT DIRECTION?  
ROSE: Lightyears of void and chaos, of course.  
KANAYA: Perhaps We Could Shelve That For The Time Being Then  
ROSE: For the time being, yes. But the time being will be incredibly short.

KARKAT: COULD YOU PLEASE QUIT BEING CRYPTIC AND JUST EXPLAIN TO US WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?  
ROSE: We must leave in a very specific window of time, moving at nearly the speed of light. If we succeed in doing so, we will take a course through the furthest ring approximating a straight line, which shall lead us directly to a new session.  
KARKAT: WOW, WAS THAT SO HARD?  
ROSE: As a matter of fact, it has taken so much effort that I fear I may faint.  
KARKAT: SO WHAT? NOW WE'RE JUST WAITING AROUND?  
ROSE: Yes. I think it would be best to mingle among ourselves and also lose our dead weight.  
KANAYA: Dead Weight  
ROSE: Not everyone present will be leaving the furthest ring.


	3. Chapter 3

KANAYA: You Said That Some Of Us Would Not Be Leaving The Furthest Ring  
ROSE: Yes, that is a thing I said. It's reassuring to know that at least some of the members of our motley crew have been listening to me.  
KANAYA: Would I Happen To Be One Of Those Remaining  
ROSE: That's for you to decide. I cannot see the future, Kanaya.  
ROSE: But for what it's worth, I would prefer it if you stayed with us, on the meteor.  
KANAYA: I Find This Sun Comforting In A Way  
KANAYA: Like Home  
KANAYA: I Almost Cannot Bear The Idea Of Leaving It Behind  
NEPETA: :33 < but kanaya  
NEPETA: :33 < what about your duties as the new meowther to the troll species in the next universe  
ROSE: She raises an excellent point. You have a grand destiny ahead of you.  
KANAYA: I Believe That Large Aquatic Vessel Has Already Sailed Unfortunately  
KANAYA: With The Loss Of The Matriorb There Is Little Hope For The Revival Of Our Species  
NEPETA: :33 < no!! im sure we can purrduce a new one somehow  
KANAYA: It Would Be Highly Unlikely  
KANAYA: The Grist Cost Is Astronomical  
ROSE: I cannot promise you that a new matriorb can be manufactured, but I can assure you that the opportunity will present itself to you to preserve a future for your race.  
ROSE: But perhaps more importantly, I would miss you.  
NEPETA: :33 < *ac muffles a squeal of shipping joy*  
KANAYA: Nepeta I Would Prefer It If You Did Not Say Such Things Out Loud  
KANAYA: Im Sure Rose Has Nothing More Than Platonic Intentions With Such A Comment  
ROSE: Plato actually referred to quite a few forms of love, and the platonic ideal simply came from his almost obsessive respect for the camaraderie shared between heterosexual, though homoerotic, males.  
KANAYA: Who The Hell Is Plato  
ROSE: How did your society develop the word "platonic" if there was a never a Plato in your species?  
ROSE: Come to think of it, how did you get the word "romance" if there was never a Rome?  
NEPETA: :33 < who is rome  
ROSE: Rome was perhaps an eerily similar society to your Alternian Empire.  
ROSE: Just replace all references to "rustbloods" with "women" and "aliens" with "Scythians".  
KANAYA: We Had Scythians  
ROSE: How did you have Scythians?  
KANAYA: It Is An Online Shopping Service Is It Not  
ROSE: That just produces a myriad of additional questions.  
NEPETA: :33 < no there was a scythian society before that  
NEPETA: :33 < they were famous for their bowmen  
NEPETA: :33 < a lot of the military traditions among the archeradicators were inherited from them  
ROSE: I never took you for a history buff. I must say, I am pleasantly surprised by these intellectual secrets of yours.  
NEPETA: :33 < h33h33 i only know these things because of my meowrail  
NEPETA: :33 < he is obsessed with all those old traditions so he talks about them constantly  
ROSE: I take it your "meowrail" is the sweaty fellow with the awful teeth?  
NEPETA: :33 < yeah! thats equius and he might look purretty scary but deep down hes an absolute sw33t heart  
ROSE: I think I'll take your word for it.  
KANAYA: I Cant Say I Particularly Care For Equiuss Company But He Is Generally Well-Intentioned  
ROSE: He's not particularly a looker, but I can't imagine he'd be so off-putting once one gets to know him. Is there any reason specifically you don't care for him?  
KANAYA: I Dont Like When He Stands There  
KANAYA: And Watches  
NEPETA: :33 < h33h33  
NEPETA: :33 < hes just like that, its nothing to furry about  
ROSE: Forgive me if I am still somewhat worried.  
ROSE: And what of you Nepeta? Do you have any thoughts of remaining among the dreaming and the dead?  
NEPETA: :33 < oh no! never!  
NEPETA: :33 < it all just seems so clawful and dreary  
NEPETA: :33 < besides equius n33ds me with him!  
ROSE: You two are clearly very close.  
KANAYA: Perhaps We Will Have To Have A Talk About Troll Romantic Structures  
KANAYA: I Understand That Humans Have A System That Is Much More Simple In Some Ways And Complicated In Others  
NEPETA: :OO < quadrant talk!  
NEPETA: :33 < allow me to explain efurrything!!!  
KANAYA: Oh Dear I May Have Opened Up A Can Of Squirming Bait Noodles  
NEPETA: :33 < no its okay i already explained all this to her cat!  
ROSE: You've spoken with Jaspers? Allow me to apologize for his behavior. He can be a bit... simple.  
NEPETA: :33 < no dont apologize!  
NEPETA: :33 < i thought he was very sw33t and funny and i really enjoyed our confursation  
KANAYA: Perhaps You Should Keep Matters Simple  
KANAYA: And Not Burden Roses Admittedly Broad Mind With The Complexities Of Kismesissitude.  
ROSE: In one breath you praise my mind, and in the next you doubt it's ability to accept complex matters. I can't tell if you think very highly of me or very low of me.  
KANAYA: Forgive Me For Being Such An Enigma  
KANAYA: I Simply Meant That Such Topics Should Perhaps Be Discussed When We Have More Time  
KANAYA: Perhaps I Should Be The One To Explain Them To You  
NEPETA: :33 < *ac takes the hint and graciously leaves the subject of concupiscent quadrants to kanaya*

Kanaya's cheeks fill with green at the insinuation. Nepeta claps her hands together eagerly.

NEPETA: :33 < okay so about meowrailallegiance!  
NEPETA: :33 < basically some trolls have incredibly violent impulses  
NEPETA: :33 < so those trolls require a more even-tempered purrtner to help maintain their emotional health  
NEPETA: :33 < and beyond that the moirails form an incredibly close emotional bond surpassing even that of the flushed quadrant!!!  
NEPETA: :33 < the less violent purrtner also tends to have a nurturing nature at least in regards to their meowrail so taking care of them can be very emotionally fulfilling  
NEPETA: :33 < and the violent partner also takes care of the emeowtional well-being of the less violent one!!!  
NEPETA: :33 < so although both of them have very distinct roles, it's a give and take, like all healthy romances  
ROSE: That was incredibly succinct and helpful.  
ROSE: Has anyone ever told you that you're impressively intelligent, Nepeta?  
ROSE: I may regret telling you this, but when I first saw you I didn't have very high hopes. You come across as almost stupidly childlike until someone takes the time to actually have a conversation with you.  
NEPETA: :33 < thats super rude to say actually  
NEPETA: :33 < but i guess i can be super rude sometimes so i cant really get purrturbed!!!  
KANAYA: Nepeta Youre The Most Kind And Polite Of All Of Us  
KANAYA: Id Hardly Call You Rude  
NEPETA: :33 < well i call kitty litter on that  
NEPETA: :33 < i can be mean when i want to be  
NEPETA: :33 < i just usually dont want to be!!!  
ROSE: I believe all the pressing matters are settled. We are all staying on the meteor, troll language is confusing, troll romance isn't as confusing as it first seems, and Nepeta has hidden depths as a scholar and bitch.  
KANAYA: Did I Ever Actually Decide To Remain On The Meteor  
ROSE: Yes, you did.


End file.
